Many, many moons ago, in a galaxy far away, I was a practicing attorney. I first worked at the Securities & Exchange Commission and later handled criminal appeals at the Cook County State’s Attorney’s Office. I also taught three semesters of legal writing to law students.
Although I don’t currently practice law and now call myself a recovering attorney, there are several lessons I learned as a lawyer that also apply to parenting.
1. Keep your emotions in check.
Logic trumps emotion, and while you cannot be an automaton, keeping your emotions in check is important, both as a lawyer and as a parent. Kids learn really, really quickly how to push our buttons. Just like when they’re in an elevator, they sometimes delight in pushing all of our buttons. At the same time.
When they get a big reaction they’re looking for, they are delighted, and they’re likely to keep doing it. Keeping your emotions in check will better enable you to address the behavior. That said, everyone – lawyers and parents alike – loses their cool at some point. No judgment here. Just have a sidebar with yourself to get back on track.
2. Communicate as clearly as you can.
Getting your point across succinctly in a manner that is easily understood was key to winning a case. The same is true with conveying messages to kids. Be as clear as you can, and keep it short and sweet. Courts and kids both have very short attention spans. (Again, not my strong suit, but I’m working on it.)
Make it clear what you want. It was amazing how many law students would fail to ask the court for something. Similarly, tell your kid exactly what it is that you want. For example, instead of “a clean room,” specify that you want the bed made and clothes off the floor.
Also, believe what you’re saying. If you’re not confident that you’re right, neither a judge nor a kid will be convinced.
3. Telling the truth matters.
The truth may not always be easy, but lying hurts your credibility, with the court and with your children. Both appreciate you telling them like it is. If you expect your kids to be honest, you need to be honest with them.
4. Let the small stuff go.
I handled criminal appeals for five years, which means that I dealt with mistakes made a trial. And there were usually a fair number of mistakes made at trial, because lawyers are human. Not all mistakes are treated equally by the law, however. Small errors that wouldn’t change the outcome of a case aren’t enough to merit the appellate court stepping in overturning a verdict.
As parents, we need to recognize that our kids will make mistakes. In fact, doing so is often the best way for them to learn. Parents need to let the small mistakes go and allow the chips to fall where they may.
5. Be an advocate.
Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, a parenting expert and mom of three, stresses that kids need to know you’re on their side. She said this is true even when you’re telling them something they don’t particularly like. She gave an example of telling her son that he couldn’t attend a concert and even though he didn’t like her decision, she explained to him that she was doing it because she was on his side and wanted what was best and safest for him.
Clients and kids both want to know that you’re willing to go to bat for them. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a parent say they were worrying they advocated for their child. Speak up for them when they cannot, and help them learn to advocate for themselves, too.
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